This is LIFE!

A man travels the world over in search of what he needs and returns home to find it. ~George Moore

Ok, so - almost a full week later - I'm back. Having done some extensive introspection (and as predicted) I have no real conclusions as to the 'why' of what I had been doing recently.

All I know is, I've decided to just stop it. Like, quit - now.

How it happened? It was Thursday afternoon and I got up from my chair after making my last post then walked out of my home office and into the living room for a leg-stretch. I looked around and I couldn't f'ing believe it! Toys of the floor, carpet full of crumbs, dishes piled in the kitchen...

So I kick into gear and start tidying up. I had told myself that, before I start judging myself for my excesses of the past couple months, I'd really look at it objectively and start to identify the root cause then work backwards in sorting it out. Ask the right questions and find proper answers. But as I stood there, sweeping my floors, straightening the throws on the couch and stacking dishes - the internal dialogue began...

"Just look at this. Just look!", "How could you let it get to this", "This is disgusting", "You know you have no excuse", "You're life is actually incredibly blessed", "You have so much to play for and so much to lose", "You need to get off your ass and start doing right by the life you've been given", "You need to stop f'ing around and show God how grateful you are for your blessings",.

"In case you didn't know, this is life. Your life. Only you can make it right. Stop making excuses. Stop playing the victim. Stop wallowing in this pseudo-Nirvanic quest for the 'answers'", "You don't have all the answers. So what? This is life. She doesn't give a damn if you have all the answers. She's not here to pander to you! She's gonna do her, so you better be doing you".

And that's when it really happened. The me of the past two months finally responded to this internal tirade that her other side had been subjecting her to. And like a true girl, what did she do? She cried. She bawled her f'ing eyes out. Because she knew it was all true. She knew that she had no excuse, she was so incredibly blessed and she did have so much to play for. So why throw it to sh*t like she had been doing? But that was a question. "Stop looking for answers everywhere when the truth is staring you in the face. Wake up!".

"Think of the gorgeous, perfect baby you thought you would never have; the compassionate, hard-working, amazing husband you thought you'd never meet. Think of all you have. Stop looking for answers that you may never get and, for once, be in the moment. Stop f'ing around."

Just do what you have to do now, in this moment. What you don't have to be doing is having a glass of wine when there's all those emails to send. You don't have to be shopping, when there's all those dishes to wash. You don't have to be eating, when there's an entire family that you need to be nourishing with a home-made, love-filled meal.

So, that's where I'm at.

I'm going to stop asking questions for a while. Ok, maybe I'll still ask a few (lol), but the answers I'm leaving alone. Maybe they'll come to me, maybe I'll forget this epiphany and start seeking again. For now, I'm just living. I'm going to stop f'ing around and just do what I've got to do.