Resolve

You cannot plough a field by turning it over in your mind. ~Author Unknown

So, almost another week goes by and I think I've been sticking pretty well to my resolve, in terms of just getting on with it.

We just came out of a four-day weekend over Easter, and the temptation was strong. Oooh boy, was it strong! I had a few minor slip-ups, but all in all I'm pretty proud of myself. I never slept in, I never binged (well, except for movie night with buttered popcorn and crisps. Eish!), and even the drinking was kept to a respectable minimum (well, except for the braai on Friday night - but we were drinking someone else's booze, so that doesn't count).

Lol! It's so wierd how I know myself so well, but in a lot of ways I don't really know myself at all. I feel so predictable, but every time I think I know what I should do next, I go and do something totally different. Yet, somehow, I'm never surprised by what I actually end up doing. I don't know, does that make sense?

It's like there's three different versions of me... There's the me I am right now, the me I really am inside, and the me I know I can be - and 'never the twain shall meet', so to speak. I really struggle to reconcile the three...

To get to the me I know I can be, I have to release the me I am inside and start healing the me I am right now.

And then sometimes, I think it's all bulls**t. Did our grandmothers, or even our mothers for that matter grapple with all this turmoil? I think not! They just got on with life and did what they had to do. At times I feel so self-indulgent and decadent, spending all this time, languishing in this pit of suburban angst. I wish I could just do what I have to do and get on with life. Just stop asking all these damn questions!

Anyway, I guess it just is what it is and I've got to just find a way to ask all the damn questions, while getting on with life and doing what I have to do.

But wait, no! I'm not asking anymore questions, remember? I think I just realised that the task I have set myself is much harder than it really appears. And maybe that's just what I need to do. Maybe the only way to get my 'three me's' to finally converge is to focus them all on one goal: just getting on with life and doing what I gotta do!

Maybe. Just maybe. (Technically, that was another question. lol. This is really gonna be hard)