Milestone

The moment one gives close attention to any thing, even a blade of grass it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself. ~Henry Miller

It's Little Tyke's 2nd birthday tomorrow - in a couple of hours, actually - and I'm up way past my bedtime, waiting for the cake to cool, so I can ice it and get it decorated. I made the mistake of turning it out of the pan, before it had cooled properly and it split right down the middle!Ordinarily, I'd be totally freaking out right about now, but I'm not.

I've noticed a distinct change in myself of late. I am so much calmer. Usually, I am generally pretty highly strung - easily frustrated and even more easily pissed off, but lately that's not the case. Could it be that something has finally stuck? Could I actually be living, for a change? I don't know, and honestly - for once in my life, I don't want to know. My life has really taken a turn in the past week or so. A lasting change..? That, I don't know either. All I can say is it feels oh so good!

I feel like, for the first time in a long time, I'm truly in the moment - but not in a reckless way like before. And not in a pop-psych 'savour the moment' type of way, either. Just being present... fully and truthfully.

This week has been hectic to say the least - for a start, work has been moving at warp speed. Most of all, I've really been bonding with Little Tyke. It's made me realise how starved he really was for my attention. Short of admitting that I've been a bad mother, the past little while has really made me realise that I had been doing things all wrong. Pretty much since he was born, I've had this feeling of being totally overwhelmed by the motherhood role. I had all these ideas about what I should be doing, and it all seemed so much. So, true to form, I would always assume the foetal position - just curl up and admit defeat.

But watching my little guy and spending time with him recently has made me see that all he really needed was a mother, and all I really needed to do was be one. And that didn't mean being the 'made-for-TV movie' mother, or the baby and child magazine do-it-all supermom either. I just needed to be me and learn how to understand him.

Little Tyke has blossomed, virtually overnight. I'm so proud - bursting with pride, in fact. He's such a perfect little person and I have come to realise how pivotal my role is in preventing that perfection from being tainted. I guess that realisation is not new. But it's different this time, because I really feel that I can do it. I definitely see now that I am his mother for a reason, and I'm also the only mother he's got. No-one can do it better, because noone else is going to do it. I have all the resources I need within me.

So in a few hours, when he blows out the candles on his oddly-shaped, cracked cake I may even shed a little tear for my son and for his mother, who now finally gets it.