Nothingness

All say, "How hard it is that we have to die" - a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live. ~Mark Twain

Yesterday, I found out that a guy I basically grew up with died a few days ago – committed suicide, actually. Damn! I couldn’t believe it. I’m still so shaken.

I can’t even say that we were close, not even friends really. But… damn! All I could think was, “he’s gone” – like forever. He is no more. It is over. I’ve known him since primary school, since we were all snot-nosed, ashy-kneed kids! And now he’s gone!

I think more than anything it got me really scared about my own life. Although, in his case, he chose to end his life – the fact remains that you just never know when it’ll be time for your curtain call. This guy was so sweet and solid. An all-round nice guy, hectically talented musically, and, from what I hear, at the peak of his career. But now, he is gone.

What about me? I am far from perfect (to put it gently), and really haven’t done much worthwhile with my life. I don’t want it to be too late.

So much time is spent analyzing my life and not enough living it. What if I were to be gone tomorrow? That question got me thinking…

Do we worry about dying because of the people we are leaving behind and the things we still want to do, or do we worry that when we die there will be nothing left of us? I know what my answer is… I am afraid that if I die, there will be nothing left, no lasting legacy (besides my son) – just an empty seat or an unoccupied room. No void, that’s painfully missing something – just nothing.

What have I done, who’s life have I changed, what have I created, what difference have I made in the world at large and the one in which I live? Nothing, no-one, nothing, none at all… NOTHING.

Damn! Imagine that… imagine amounting to nothing, being nothing, meaning nothing. I don’t want to go out like that, but I truly feel it may be too late.

I struggle with this one thing: I don’t want to be something I’m not. I’m not a ‘people person’, not good at keeping friendships or staying in contact. I’m not outgoing or particularly kind. I don’t know how to be selfless. I’m not good at staying focused. I’m not driven. I’m barely ambitious. But then I wonder is that who or what I should be trying to be?

Should I just be me? But me is so… so, bleh. Or maybe me has yet to be discovered. I struggle everyday with that. I think I don’t particularly like myself, so should I be trying to change myself or learning to love myself? Do I even know myself? Sometimes I’m like “Dude, you’re 27. By now you’ve got a pretty good idea of who you are”. And at the same time I’m like “But, this can’t be it. This can’t be me. There’s got to be something more, something better”.

And that’s when the fear sets in, that’s when I think… “what if there isn’t?”