Family ties?

The family is a haven in a heartless world. ~Attributed to Christopher Lasch

Well, my whirlwind week has continued in pretty much the same vane, although it feels like momentum is waning now. It's not as though I don't have enough to do. I've got plenty, but motivation is in short supply. The fact that tomorrow's Friday doesn't help either. I love Friday, and probably look forward to it a little more (and a little earlier) than I should.

As the week draws closer to an end though, my thoughts seem to be drifting in a different direction: Family. Those ties that sort of fall upon you. Unchosen, unsolicited.

I've got quite a few cousins, but not so many as to excuse the way I've neglected them all. Here are these people that I've known basically all my life, who were around when I was a rotund child, when I was a wild teenager and still here as I settle into being a grown woman. People that are perfectly placed to create that network of support and friendship that seems to be so missing in my life. Granted, most of them are in another country but some are here and even those that aren't are not that far away (Lesotho is like a 4-hour drive from here).

We've established that I'm generally quite self-absorbed. I do spend a lot of time living inside of myself and not enough giving of myself. Who better to give to than the people who are already there. Just give a little time, give an occassional phone call.

I did that today. I sent my favourite cousin - who I had not spoken to in almost a year - a text today, and he called back. We talked for all of two minutes, but what a change it made to my day. It changed my whole attitude - got me smiling instead of stressing. And I thought "wow!".

I am beginning to put together little pieces of the answers to the many questions in my mind, everyday. I'm starting to see that not having all the answers is no excuse for not living, and part of it is reaching out to other human beings. Maybe I need to stop spending so much time trying to figure out the answers on my own and start trying to see if there isn't anything I can learn by just being in the world... really being a part of it. Talking, sharing, connecting.

I am self-involved, but maybe I don't really have to be. I can start by reaching out and engaging with some of the things that aren't actually that far outside of myself. Like my family. Maybe that will be the first step to venturing out even further, and finally - one day - to actually claiming and occupying my own place in this world.

Doing the work

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. ~Thomas Edison

This week has gotten off to a pretty good start. It's actually made me realise how much I love feeling like I've accomplished something... the pressure, the mad rush, no time to think or take calls. Monday was like that. Tuesday too - to a lesser extent. It was exhilirating!

I hate feeling like my contributions are meaningless. My job does that to me more often than not, and I suppose that's my fault in a lot of ways. I guess after 4 years, the novelty has kind of worn off and I'm just not feeling it as much. Besides, I'm not tryin to be employed for the rest of my life and, in my head, this job has just become a means to an end.

Hubby, Big Bro and I have started a small company - and by 'started' I mean it's registered with the company's office and that's about it. I'm trying to get us to put together a proposal to do some stuff for a new community television station, but the momentum is just not building. I think we've all just kind of been lulled into a deep comfort zone by our 9-5's and since our company's not bringing in any money, it's no surprise that it takes second place.

This is just one of the many 'grown-folk' things I'm trying to get my head around. It's scary being on your own. Not alone, but on your own. No parachute or safety net in the form of Mommy or Daddy. Pretty much everything is a risk now coz you have to bail yourself out if it all goes pear-shaped. It's only natural that you'd want to play it safe.

But I'm tired of playing it safe. I really feel like I'm confined in a prison of my own making. These self-imposed chains of fear... fear of failure, which breeds fear of trying. It's like a vicious cycle and I just want to break free! How fabulous it would be to just feel free.

It all begins with me. Yes, I know. But how? I have a lot of answers and things I know for sure, but most of it just creates more questions in my head. It's like I know all the universal truths, but what's MY truth? How does all apply to me? That's the pivotal question of my life and I am so desperate to find an answer to it.

A bad day?

So, yesterday was a crappy day to say the least. Apart from my still-shaken state over my departed school mate. I had to be at my boss' place so we could work on some stuff together. We all work from home - thank God - so I don't have to see her everyday.

Oh, but how that woman grates my cheese. She is a classic type A personality... controlling to the last - even when she has no idea what she's talking about. And there I sit, every muscle in my body twitching, trying to control the overwhelming urge to just get up off my chair and scream "shut up! Just shut the f%#*k up and listen!".

Needless to say, I didn't. She has this annoying habit of raising her voice when she doesn't agree with you (read 'thinks you're talking out your ass') so as to completely drown you out. However, I refuse to be intimidated. I simply wait for her to end her tirade and in a deliberately much calmer tone, slowly explain why the f%#*k she doesn't know what she is saying. Much to my delight, logic always prevails and she must back down. I savour those small victories - but alas, it lasts for only a moment. She then makes it her life's mission to be right on everything thereafter. She just has this knack for making you feel like she's teaching you something new even when you are in total agreement with what she's saying and it's nothing you didn't already know. God, it's annoying!

So, in addition to that hellish session with my boss, the weather was not cooperating. It was gloomy, dark and raining cats and dogs. Luckily I was wearing a new outfit and feeling slightly fly. Not enough to enhance my mood, unfortunately.

I got home feeling like a wet dog. It didn't help that when I stopped on the way to get some groceries and minor supplies, I had a less-than-inspiring telephone conversation with Hubby. All I wanted was to know if he could think of anything we needed, and he cut me off! He cut me off. That was so uncalled for. I was looking to him for comfort, to make me smile... but I suppose, being stuck in heavy traffic after a long day at the office, he wasn't trying to deal with trivial household matters.

But that was the whole point. Neither was I. But I had to, didn't I? Who else was going to do it? All I need is a little support - a thumbs up for everything I do for this family. But it wasn't to be.
Anyway, after discovering - only as I walked into the store - that the Little Tyke had a soiled nappy, I decided not to turn back for a nappy change and continue with my shopping. After a less-than-pleasant and very stinky drive home, I started on supper with my lip dragging on the floor.

Hubby got home and I said exactly 8 words to him all night. I was feeling bad - real bad. I admit, I was probably lashing out, but he didn't seem to be too disturbed about it. Or at least that's what I thought until I went into the other room to make a call to Sims (my best friend). I finished my call and I get out of the room to find the house dark and Hubby & Little Tyke in bed.

So there I was standing in the hallway... in the dark, feeling like a total git.

Served me right, I guess. Especially because I was feeling decidedly lighter after talking to Sims, and now ready to spread the love to Hubby. (She always has that effect on me. I love that chick!)

After a few moments I decided that I'd better just get to bed. So I crawl in, and think "should I just play this out?", face the other way and continue to sulk? But no, I wasn't feeling that way anymore. So, I hunkered down, got comfortable, and gingerly put an embarrassed arm around my two boys and soon drifted off to sleep.

Nothingness

All say, "How hard it is that we have to die" - a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live. ~Mark Twain

Yesterday, I found out that a guy I basically grew up with died a few days ago – committed suicide, actually. Damn! I couldn’t believe it. I’m still so shaken.

I can’t even say that we were close, not even friends really. But… damn! All I could think was, “he’s gone” – like forever. He is no more. It is over. I’ve known him since primary school, since we were all snot-nosed, ashy-kneed kids! And now he’s gone!

I think more than anything it got me really scared about my own life. Although, in his case, he chose to end his life – the fact remains that you just never know when it’ll be time for your curtain call. This guy was so sweet and solid. An all-round nice guy, hectically talented musically, and, from what I hear, at the peak of his career. But now, he is gone.

What about me? I am far from perfect (to put it gently), and really haven’t done much worthwhile with my life. I don’t want it to be too late.

So much time is spent analyzing my life and not enough living it. What if I were to be gone tomorrow? That question got me thinking…

Do we worry about dying because of the people we are leaving behind and the things we still want to do, or do we worry that when we die there will be nothing left of us? I know what my answer is… I am afraid that if I die, there will be nothing left, no lasting legacy (besides my son) – just an empty seat or an unoccupied room. No void, that’s painfully missing something – just nothing.

What have I done, who’s life have I changed, what have I created, what difference have I made in the world at large and the one in which I live? Nothing, no-one, nothing, none at all… NOTHING.

Damn! Imagine that… imagine amounting to nothing, being nothing, meaning nothing. I don’t want to go out like that, but I truly feel it may be too late.

I struggle with this one thing: I don’t want to be something I’m not. I’m not a ‘people person’, not good at keeping friendships or staying in contact. I’m not outgoing or particularly kind. I don’t know how to be selfless. I’m not good at staying focused. I’m not driven. I’m barely ambitious. But then I wonder is that who or what I should be trying to be?

Should I just be me? But me is so… so, bleh. Or maybe me has yet to be discovered. I struggle everyday with that. I think I don’t particularly like myself, so should I be trying to change myself or learning to love myself? Do I even know myself? Sometimes I’m like “Dude, you’re 27. By now you’ve got a pretty good idea of who you are”. And at the same time I’m like “But, this can’t be it. This can’t be me. There’s got to be something more, something better”.

And that’s when the fear sets in, that’s when I think… “what if there isn’t?”

Intro's

I know well what I am fleeing from but not what I am in search of. ~Michel de Montaigne

Ok, so I suppose an introduction is called for…

Lesotho-born,
South African-bred,
Age 27,
Married with a 23-month old son,
University degree,
Currently employed in a small marketing & communication consultancy,
Earn more than hubby (for now)
Lived in small towns up until about 10 years ago,
One best friend that I’ve known since the age of 3,
Parents divorced at the age of 7,
Raised by mommy (Daddy-issues go without saying),
Second-born child with one 100% older blood sibling and four half-siblings.

I guess that’s about as much background as is necessary for us to comfortably proceed on this journey together, because – that’s really what this is… a journey. Anything much more than the facts listed above, I’m really still trying to figure out myself!

Hopefully, I can – through this blog – begin to put some of the pieces together and really start to hold myself accountable for what my life is, should and will be.

Welcome.