Easy...? Who said it would be easy? (Pt II)

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me. ~Author Unknown

Yeah, so now I'm beginning to realise that I need to own me in the world. While focusing on me was a selfish indulgence that I really needed, I can't escape the fact that I still have a responsibility to my relationships with other people.

Perhaps I'm not really being fair on Hubby. We spoke about what happened over gmail chat last week and he said something to me that really took the wind out of my sails. "We're on different pages", he said.

Wow! Are we? Really? If I were to just be honest, I guess I'd have to admit that we actually are on different pages.

My journey has been a very personal one thus far and I've been completely unfocused on the effect that it was having on the people around me or even whether there has been any effect at all. If I try to put myself in Hubby's shoes, I can see how he'd be feeling... well... something. How could he not? I've been pretty much wrapped up in myself for the last few months - doing what I like, being with whom I want to be, going where I want to go. It probably seemed like a pretty sudden and possibly drastic change. I'll give him that.

But, at the same time, there's a part of me that finds that (if it's truly the case) to be a bit unfair. I mean, how long have I been doing just the opposite. Constantly hiding, cowering away in fear from anything that even remotely resembled independence?

Our dynamic at home is a little off-kilter, I guess. He works all the hours, but I make all the money (a little over-simplified, but a pretty neat nutshell). HOWEVER, I also do a whole lot of other stuff (in addition to my job) - I run the house, I raise the child, I pay the bills, I send the birthday cards & XMas cards & Fathers' Day & Mothers Day cards - for the both of us! I cook the meals (most of the time), I plan the anniversaries, I buy the groceries, I do the garden, I do the laundry... etc, etc, etc!

So, now I kinda feel like I deserve a little bit for me. I'm at home all day just about every day and spend 18 out of 24hrs with Little Tyke. He comes home late at night, extremely tired and prefers to spend weekends in bed. Lately, he's even been going to the office on Saturdays, so it's even worse now. He gets frustrated and I totally get that. But I've been frustrated - for almost 2 years now! And I didn't always used to be this way.

I was once care-free and happy-go-lucky. I used to work out and do my hair and my nails. I used to party and hang out with friends. But then I got married. In the beginning, I would stay at home, missing him for hours til he came back. Just imagine my disappointment time and again when he came home too tired to even talk! So, I hung around, doing stuf around the house - trying to build a home. And again, no reciprocation. I really let it get me down.

Then a few months ago, I started living again. So, I started having friends over on weekends... laughing, chatting and having fun. But it was without him, because he was still tired, still stressed... So yes, we are on different pages.

But now that we've established that, what do we do? That's what frustrated me most about the 2am office-run incident. To this day, more than a week later, I'm still like WTF!?!? It's still so up in the air, and I feel stuck. He still hasn't explained what happened.

Don't misunderstand. Our relationship is cool. We are close, very close again. But it feels kind of disingenious. Usually when we have an issue in our relationship, we bottle it up until we just about can't take it anymore then have a good, honest, heartfelt talk about it and everything gets sorted out. We both understand the situation and move forward knowing how to act in future. That's just our process.

But this time, this time... I don't know.

I'm left wondering if it was me. Has my journey of self-discovery made me insensitive? Am I missing clues that I would ordinarily have noticed instantaneously? Or is it him? Has my journey of self-discovery made him jealous?

I'm tired of pushing him to talk. I don't feel it in me anymore. That desperation that I once had to be the one to fix things, because I always believed it was my fault - I wasn't good enough, I didn't do the right thing - is just gone.

Shouldn't he take some responsibility for his own happiness by telling me WTF is going on?

I have half a mind to just leave it alone, but divorce is not on the cards for me. That's what happens when you let things fester in a marriage. So, what's the alternative? Do I keep pushing only to keep running into a brick wall? Or do I give him time in hopes that he'll finally open up? And if it's the latter, what do I do in the meantime. I have a strong suspicion that it's the changes in me that caused that change in him. So, do I go back to being a miserable, mousy home-body or do I just keep on as I have been and hope he gets on the bus eventually?

Argh! More questions. Just great!

Clearly, answers are few and far between at this point. Maybe I'll come back with part 3... but for now, I just need a drink!

Easy...? Who said it would be easy? (Pt I)

One of the good things that come of a true marriage is, that there is one face on which changes come without your seeing them; or rather there is one face which you can still see the same, through all the shadows which years have gathered upon it. ~George MacDonald

Well, I guess in all fairness, nobody said it would be easy. Nobody said growing up was a breeze, or that marriage was a walk in the park, nor that motherhood would be a piece of cake.

The past couple of months have seen a true change in me. I feel like my eyes are opened wider than they ever have been before; that I am seeing myself, the world... everything, in a way that I never have before. That change has allowed me to begin to recognise and acknowledge all sorts of things within me, which in turn has an effect on everything I do and my every reaction to every situation.

One of those 'situations' is my marriage or - to be specific - one particular incident this past weekend. Briefly, Hubby had made plans to go out on Saturday night as a sort of a trade-off for Sims (BFF) having taken me out the night before and me having asked him to baby-sit (simultaneously causing him to reschedule the plans he had already made for that night to Saturday night - HIS decision, made with the purest and most admirable of intentions... of that I'm sure. Plans, I might add, that I knew nothing about before asking).

Anyway, back to Saturday - Sims is over at the house after last night's jol, I invite the Usual Suspects [my crew of boys, and an assortment of good lady friends that I see a lil less often than the boys]. Hubby's plans fall through... "bummer, but at least he can still have a good time at home". At this point, the 'party' is already in full swing - everybody's having a bomb-ass time and I assumed Hubby was too.

Cut to midnight, one, two o'clock - I notice a progressive change in mood in Hubby. A couple of times, I go into the bedroom and he's there, head-in-hand, or laying on the bed staring up at the ceiling. I walk in, ask what's wrong. The first time I get told that there's nothing wrong. The second time, it's a little more serious. He's not feeling too good, but he's not sick or tired or feeling bad physicallly. "What can I do, Baby", I ask. Admittedly, the sounds of conversation and music in the other room was beckoning me, but I still cared about what Hubby was feeling. Really I did.

Anyway, I'm then told that there's not really anything I can do. He can't explain what's wrong or know how to fix it. I push a little bit more, but he's not willing to speak about it, so I leave it - I let him know I really care and I'm worried - but I leave it. Next moment, I'm back in the party - BTW, at this point the majority of people have left and it's just Sims, her man and her brother, and LB - my 'adopted' little brother (subject for another blog post). Anyway, I'm back and sitting with LB, jamming out to some hip-hop and Sims comes into the room, on some, "Your man is LEAVING, girl!".

Oh, just before that Hubby came in and took his laptop and some work files, then told me he'd see me later. Probably stupidly, and not very intuitively, I just assumed he was going to do some work in the bedroom. Meanwhile, he was packing his shit in the car and about to drive off! So I go rushing out to the car and stop him - all dramatic like. lol

(I'm really trying to keep this short and digestible, but it's really hard, so eish... bear with me.)

Long story short, he just has to go, can't talk about why, but he needs to be at the office - he'll call when he arrives, keep his phone on at all times, and let me know when he's leaving. So again, I leave it. I'm troubled, but I have guests and they really are some of my favourite, funnest friends, so I leave it. LB goes home, Sims and crew and I all go to bed and I wake up in the morning as Hubby is getting out of bed.

So now, in the sober light of day, I'm like "WTF!!!" . "Like, really. What just happened?". I thought I did everything that could be reasonably expected to handle that situation like an adult. So why did I not get adult behaviour back, or did I?

I just didn't know what to make of it. I think Hubby and I are a bit of an odd pair, because we are extremely similar. We are both very sensitive souls. Our hearts rule our heads and that's just a fact. But we are not fiery and tempestuous. We feel deep within and avoid conflict. And yet, while we are both that way, we are both that way for very different reasons.

It's so intoxicatingly paradoxical! There is serious attraction for me in the concept of two people being so alike and yet so different... BUT, I digress.

Anyway, this situation had me stumped. I have made real progress over the past two months in figuring ME out. Just me on my own. Now, I am being faced more and more with getting to know and own me in the world. (Hmm... rings a bell).

Ok, now I'm taking this in a different direction. I didn't expect that.

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PAUSE!
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This is a part 2-worthy blog post, if ever there was one.

To be continued...

At last...

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. ~Lewis B. Smedes, "Forgiveness - The Power to Change the Past," Christianity Today, 7 January 1983

Almost a full month since my last post... I've actually been drafting this post for the last week. Well, not this post exactly, but what was to be my next post. Today, I just started typing and looks like I'm gonna just have to throw all the past week's work away.

Why? Because it just doesn't apply any more.

Yesterday, I get a facebook message from X (long, long story - but basically a former bf. My first love and my first - and only - paradigm-shifting, earth-shattering heartbreak).

He’s growing his business empire and needs some branding and communication work done for his businesses. Just my game, so I’m like “sure, let’s meet”, what happened thereafter took place so quickly that, amidst the excitement of the idea of an extra paying job, it didn't totally register. All I knew was one moment I was minding my own business, and the next… there I was, facing the prospect of coming face to face with a man that I hadn’t seen in two years, or had a conversation with in close on five years. Not to mention the six-year-long tumultuous story that is our history.

Whoa!

I remember getting home after running errands all morning, and thinking to myself “Am I ready for this? Really ready?” The guy’s arriving in twenty minutes and I’m this close to pulling out my phone and calling him to say something had come up and I couldn’t meet with him! Had I had his phone number, I might actually have done that.

I was overcome by the urge to do something, anything to show him that I was doing okay. Clean the house up, mop the floor, buy some filter coffee so I wouldn’t offer him my usual instant stuff - anything. Luckily (and you’ll understand why in a moment), my morning schedule had left me no time for such preparations. So I just sucked it up.

Right on time - 12:59 on the dot, a knock on the door. It could only be him. I get up from my chair and to the front door. And I hesitate… for one painful moment, my heart starts palpitating as I clumsily try to find the key for the exterior security gate.

Deep breath...!

I open the door, and instinctively avoid more than a fleeting moment of solid eye-contact. I try to sound as nonchalantly pleasant as possible as I greet with a familiar, “heey!” while unlocking the security gate.

I turn around to lead him into the house, and every fibre in my being is screaming “Bad IDEA!!!”. But I catch myself with a stern “this is business!”, as I turn back around to lock up behind him. “Let’s go into the office”, I say. I lead him in, he takes a seat and pulls out the non-disclosure agreement he brought for me to sign. I smile a little on the inside… so typical of him. He’s always been paranoid and reluctant to trust. No surprise he’s still the same in business.

I make myself comfortable, secretly thanking the universe for her mysterious ways. If I hadn’t been so busy all morning, I would’ve responded to his facebook requests for my email address in time for him to send the agreement ahead of time and give me a chance to go through it before we met. As I read through the document, I breathe a huge sigh of relief and say a silent thanks for those few extra minutes to just centre myself and regain control. Luckily, that was not a difficult task.

The rest of the meeting went well. His plans and ideas all sound great, and it’s a fantastic project for our little company to get involved in. Huge potential for growth. On the business side, it really was a welcome highlight of the past month. But that will be the subject of another post.....

This little preamble creates the context for the point of today’s blog post. It’s all about how far I’ve come in my life. I can scarcely believe that, not more than 5 or 6 years ago, I could have never handled such a meeting.

At this moment, I pause… trying to find the words to describe what my relationship with this man has meant, done, been and represented in my life. In fact, the words do not exist. It was so intense, so entrenched, that it is impossible to describe. Point being, there was a time when I thought I would never get over it. There was a time when I could not see (no matter how far into the future I tried to look) a stage in my life when I would not still think of him, miss him, hate him, love him; when his memory and the memory of our time ‘together’ would not haunt my every waking moment.

That’s what it was.

That said, yesterday I proved to myself, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I am infinitely stronger than I ever thought or imagined I could be. I could not believe how unaffected I was. Apart, of course, from my initial nervousness - I felt total calm. There was nothing there. Not the intense anger or consuming sorrow, the bitter resentment or even the souldeep hurt that I thought I would carry with me for all my days. Just complete neutrality.

In between the business talk, there were moments when I would look at him - almost staring, straight into his eyes - searching for something... an inkling, a reminder of all of that heavy emotion that has always accompanied my interactions with him, whether in my mind or face-to-face. But there was nothing there! I felt like I was staring my greatest demon in the eye, facing off for the final deciding show-down. Victory was mine!

I looked at him as simply another human being. I felt no less respect for him than I would for anyone else that I have known for as long, like an old friend or family member. I can’t express what it meant to me to know that that one element of my past did not have the hold on me that I had feared it would.

How empowering to know that we can rise above the circumstances of our lives; that the human spirit triumphs - always; that as long as we are willing to accept and (more importantly) learn from the hard lessons that life throws our way, we will always be more than the sum of our experiences.

Though this may sound like utter rambling, I need to really put across – in the most concrete of terms - what a watershed this moment this was for me. In my 27 years of life. In all my existence, this moment stands out as one of the most positive realisations I have ever, ever... ever had!

Forgiveness, at last. Freedom, at long last!

To be free - truly free of the binds of one’s past; to separate one’s being from the events that have shaped it, is a quest that few of us ever truly master. And I have finally and conclusively seen that it really is possible. Really and truly possible.

Forgiveness at last.

FREEDOM AT LONG LAST.

"After everything that we’ve been through, I just want you to know that I still love you/ Want you to know that I forgive you (thank you for teaching me how to give)/ And I wanna let you know how much you changed my life/ I wanna let you know you taught me how to fly/ And I wrote this song to tell you this/ I’m better ‘cause you taught me how to give.
I took a swim in the sea of guilt and misery/ To find myself on an island in the middle of nowhere/ In my solitude I asked to know the highest truth/ And what I was told is to thine own self be true.
If Jesus can forgive crucifixion/ Surely we can survive and find a resolution.
Let’s keep it Moving/ Let’s shake free this gravity of resentment and fly high/ You’re only human/ Let’s shake free this gravity of judgement and fly high on the wings of forgiveness".
©
- India.Arie ~ Wings of Forgiveness "Testimony Vol. 1 Life & Relationships"

Back to basics

Every individual has a place to fill in the world and is important in some respect whether he chooses to be so or not. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne

I'm really getting the hang of this 'living life' thing. Of course, there are shades of my former self that remain and that is to be expected. But, all in all, I feel for the first time in a long time that I'm actually doing ok. Life is good.

Little Tyke's birthday party was awesome. It all went so well. It was small, relaxed and more than anything, he had a great time (which is all that really matters). In fact, this weekend was pretty hectic. We had another two-year-old's party the next day and dinner with family immediately afterwards... and the best part, I got to spend time with Sims - wow! I love that chick, like for real. She's my heart.

These past few weeks, as I've been progressing on this journey of mine, my eyes have been opened to what really truly matters... family, friends, connection (to myself and the world that I live in), love, faith, courage. Of course, I still haven't gotten a firm grasp on all of them - not by a long shot. But, now I see. I really, really see.

Take Sunday, for instance. Mrs O, my girl from 'Varsity threw a party for her two-yr-old little girl (incidentally, she and Little Tyke were born like 3 days apart and Mrs O got married exactly a week before me. Crazy). Anyway, we went to the party and it was so surreal... I was living!

There I was with this old, dear friend of mine (and another of my favourite girls from 'Varsity) and it was great, almost like old times. The conversations were different, of course, but the vibe was the same... that intense sisterhood; the pure enjoyment of each other's company. Just fully in the moment. It felt so great.

And I was left wondering to myself why we lost touch in the first place. I hadn't seen Mrs O in over a year, and K (my other girl) in close to 5 years! Why? Why did we grow apart instead of growing up together? Neither of us stay more than 45min away from each other and yet somehow we lost each other. Rather, I lost them. Why?

On my part, I guess it's that self-involvement, my deep propensity for retreating into myself. I sat there listening to these women, watching them surrounded by their children and friends. This strong circle of support, all congergated around the celebration of this little child's birthday and I thought, wow! Here are women who, despite marriage and motherhood, never forgot about themselves. I felt like I was a part of something. A part of a community. A part of the world. And I looked around in awe at everything that I had been missing.

Then there was dinner at my aunt's place. My favourite aunt, in fact. Her kids, my cousins, are 16 and 18 - almost fully grown and I was shocked! I live 30min down the highway from them and I had no idea what sort of young adults they had turned out to be. We had our other cousins and each of our kids there, my brother, my husband - a family, a community... something so real . Something that I was - I am - a part of!

Looking back at it all now, I wonder how it got this way. I know that, although we all had a part to play in the creating the staus quo and the disconnection that has existed up to now, I can only take responsibility for myself. Still, I can't help but question whether - as 21st century people - we are losing something important. That sense of community. What does it really mean to us? How much are we missing out on by not embracing it?

It truly is the African way, but we can't escape the westernised world that we live in. How much is too much? Is balance really attainable? There are so many influences acting on our lives at any given moment. What are the trade-offs and what drives us to the decisions that we make in trying to make this juggling act work?

Questions, questions, questions! Yes, I know! But I suppose that is just my nature. I'm a seeker. So sue me! :)

Again, I will not dwell too much on looking for the answers. One thing I know for sure now, is that they will come to me - eventually. It's not called the University of Life/Hard Knocks for nothing. I think God designed it this way for a reason. The same reason that he has bestowed free will on all of us.

I just hope that I can continue to gravitate to the positives in life. I think if there was ever a wish that I had for myself, that would be it. To simply live my life and let myself be guided by and towards only those things that will enrich it.

God willing, there are many more rewarding and enlightening steps ahead on this journey of mine.

Milestone

The moment one gives close attention to any thing, even a blade of grass it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself. ~Henry Miller

It's Little Tyke's 2nd birthday tomorrow - in a couple of hours, actually - and I'm up way past my bedtime, waiting for the cake to cool, so I can ice it and get it decorated. I made the mistake of turning it out of the pan, before it had cooled properly and it split right down the middle!Ordinarily, I'd be totally freaking out right about now, but I'm not.

I've noticed a distinct change in myself of late. I am so much calmer. Usually, I am generally pretty highly strung - easily frustrated and even more easily pissed off, but lately that's not the case. Could it be that something has finally stuck? Could I actually be living, for a change? I don't know, and honestly - for once in my life, I don't want to know. My life has really taken a turn in the past week or so. A lasting change..? That, I don't know either. All I can say is it feels oh so good!

I feel like, for the first time in a long time, I'm truly in the moment - but not in a reckless way like before. And not in a pop-psych 'savour the moment' type of way, either. Just being present... fully and truthfully.

This week has been hectic to say the least - for a start, work has been moving at warp speed. Most of all, I've really been bonding with Little Tyke. It's made me realise how starved he really was for my attention. Short of admitting that I've been a bad mother, the past little while has really made me realise that I had been doing things all wrong. Pretty much since he was born, I've had this feeling of being totally overwhelmed by the motherhood role. I had all these ideas about what I should be doing, and it all seemed so much. So, true to form, I would always assume the foetal position - just curl up and admit defeat.

But watching my little guy and spending time with him recently has made me see that all he really needed was a mother, and all I really needed to do was be one. And that didn't mean being the 'made-for-TV movie' mother, or the baby and child magazine do-it-all supermom either. I just needed to be me and learn how to understand him.

Little Tyke has blossomed, virtually overnight. I'm so proud - bursting with pride, in fact. He's such a perfect little person and I have come to realise how pivotal my role is in preventing that perfection from being tainted. I guess that realisation is not new. But it's different this time, because I really feel that I can do it. I definitely see now that I am his mother for a reason, and I'm also the only mother he's got. No-one can do it better, because noone else is going to do it. I have all the resources I need within me.

So in a few hours, when he blows out the candles on his oddly-shaped, cracked cake I may even shed a little tear for my son and for his mother, who now finally gets it.