Last month a photovangelist saved my life

"The difference between a rut and a grave is the depth" ~Gerald Burrill

Life has a way of breaking you down - almost in a scientific sense - to your base elements. And you suddenly find yourself a collection of pieces... to be sifted, sorted and put back together. 

When I got the opportunity to finally be shot solo by Saddi Khali, I was in pieces such as those.

It wasn't my first tryst with Saddi: in March last year, The Mr and I did a couple's shoot and it was

incredible. I thought then that I had been changed, but I really had no idea! The photos were amazingly beautiful, and to see ourselves reflected - six years of marriage, one child and, 20kgs later - as still vibrant and sexy blew my mind! I was sold. I was an evangelist for the photovangelist - telling all and sundry about the experience and recommending it to anyone that would give me the chance.

But then, I went solo. A month ago to be exact. 

I was ripe for the experience: almost 40kgs overweight, two children into it, my lifeless career hanging by a thread. I knew something had to give but I wasn't sure what, when or how.

The pre-shoot talk happened without me even noticing it. We spoke casually, catching up on events since the last shoot. I shared. He listened to me and challenged me. Little did I know I was being processed... and not in the way of something being forcibly done to me - but as though somehow something was happening within me. I was seeing myself with more clarity with every conversation. 

Saddi has an incredible gift. His special 'eye' is not limited only to the two he uses to find focus from behind the lens; it is also in the way he reads his subjects. He has an uncanny way of just knowing... of knowing things he really has no business knowing. It was as if he immediately knew all of the things that I was not saying - and he called me out on *each* and *every* single one of them.

On the day of the shoot, I was nervous - not about dis-robing, but about everything that would happen afterwards. Many will tell you that Saddi shows you the beauty that he sees in you (and that is there to begin with). That's true. But he also shows you what you are putting out into the world. When you combine a high-resolution camera and natural light, your unintentional bitch-face is hard to deny. BUT when - moments later - you see how you look when you are relaxed, when you are happy, when you are comfortable; you cannot imagine any other way to be.

It was the contrast of the two that changed my life. I cannot begin to describe how it feels to see yourself as more than beautiful... stunning, gorgeous, a true work-of-art. Not in an egotistic or delusional way, but simply because the proof is right there in front of you, on the display screen of this man's camera. Exhibit A. Irrefutable, undeniable, real.

You have no choice but to see yourself differently. To believe differently of yourself. To expect different things from yourself. You simply have no choice. 

That is what the Saddi Khali experience did for me. I could not, in good conscience, bear witness to the overwhelming beauty that is me in my natural state (... and believe me, I was overwhelmed) and then go home and continue to be anything less. 

I realised that the pursed lips and terrified eyes I had been walking around with are neither beautiful nor natural. They are not the me that is meant to be. 

And when you know what you can be as well as what you are not - the next step is a no-brainer. You want to be that beauty all the time. You want to be comfortable, you want to be real. And so you reevaluate the fakeness in you, the wackness in you. The pursed lips and terrified eyes of your spirit; you want them gone.

It's been just about a month now and, since my shoot, life has opened up as if it's been waiting for me all along. I've opened up too. It feels like the universe is conspiring to affirm my potential for greatness at every available turn.

And my soul faces every moment with a smile that spreads right from my lips to my eyes - no more pursing, no more terror... just open.

What a difference a day makes

“There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self.” ~Aldous Huxley

Hard to believe it's July already... and even harder to believe July's almost over. Little Tyke will have been in Z for exactly eight months tomorrow. I dare not even try and imagine the changes that have happened in *his* life since then, so I'll just focus on the changes in mine.

For years now, I've been yearning for more fulfillment in my professional life, yet to even try to make that happen for myself without a fool-proof plan seemed selfish at best. The fact my current job was not even showing me the simple courtesy of paying my bills wasn't helping. I was in a place where everything was about money, making ends meet; just month-to-month to month stuff. Depressing as hell. The goal became to simply get a job that paid me better, forget about a job that actually made me feel better.

Of course, that went against everything I stood for. Every fibre of my being rebelled against that paradigm and the agonising conformity of it all. But, I was a mother; a wife; part of a team - so I needed to do what I needed to do. For the team. I had accepted it. I was ready for it. I was going to do it.

But the universe, as I was to later find out, had something else in store for me.

Anyway, once - with the help (i.e. persistent 'advice') of The Mr - I got over my paralysing sense of loyalty to my 'boss', I started looking. I wrote her a letter explaining it all... How I was struggling financially, how I had a passion for interior design and how I, basically, didn't know what the Fuck I was doing! (The phrase, 'You ain't gotta go home, but you gotta get the hell up outta here' comes to mind). I'd had it. I didn't say it in as many words, but I had had it!

The search started off with gusto. I knew I wanted to go into online & digital marketing. I was so interested in it, I knew I could do it and I'd be great at it. All I needed was to get my foot in the door. But eventually, the hours and hours of research; a multitude of CV drafts, applications, customised cover-letters and fruitless follow-ups had me spent. I broadened the search to include even the same brain-dead mundanity I had been doing for the past six years. Still nothing. Enthusiasm waned and soon enough my old friend, self-pity, came back for an extended visit.

It was The Mr (bless his soul) who kept things going... sending my CV out, speaking to his friends, acquaintances and any recruitment agents he'd found along the way. Then, finally, it happened. A breakthrough. The Mr made the hook-up and I sealed the deal with the interview. I started working there almost as quickly as the opportunity came about. And it's been beautiful!

It's a small start-up and the position is just part-time and only a supplement to my current salary, but it also happens to have placed my foot squarely in the exact door I wanted. The best part is my 'new boss' has so much passion and vision. It's infectious. I feel valued; like I'm a part of something.  So now, even though the end-of-the-month still comes with the same old worries, somehow everything has changed. The money doesn't even really matter because for the first time in a long time I'm loving what I do.

The biggest lesson? It's actually made me a better mother; a better wife; a better part of the team. All because it's made me a better ME!