Easy...? Who said it would be easy? (Pt II)

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me. ~Author Unknown

Yeah, so now I'm beginning to realise that I need to own me in the world. While focusing on me was a selfish indulgence that I really needed, I can't escape the fact that I still have a responsibility to my relationships with other people.

Perhaps I'm not really being fair on Hubby. We spoke about what happened over gmail chat last week and he said something to me that really took the wind out of my sails. "We're on different pages", he said.

Wow! Are we? Really? If I were to just be honest, I guess I'd have to admit that we actually are on different pages.

My journey has been a very personal one thus far and I've been completely unfocused on the effect that it was having on the people around me or even whether there has been any effect at all. If I try to put myself in Hubby's shoes, I can see how he'd be feeling... well... something. How could he not? I've been pretty much wrapped up in myself for the last few months - doing what I like, being with whom I want to be, going where I want to go. It probably seemed like a pretty sudden and possibly drastic change. I'll give him that.

But, at the same time, there's a part of me that finds that (if it's truly the case) to be a bit unfair. I mean, how long have I been doing just the opposite. Constantly hiding, cowering away in fear from anything that even remotely resembled independence?

Our dynamic at home is a little off-kilter, I guess. He works all the hours, but I make all the money (a little over-simplified, but a pretty neat nutshell). HOWEVER, I also do a whole lot of other stuff (in addition to my job) - I run the house, I raise the child, I pay the bills, I send the birthday cards & XMas cards & Fathers' Day & Mothers Day cards - for the both of us! I cook the meals (most of the time), I plan the anniversaries, I buy the groceries, I do the garden, I do the laundry... etc, etc, etc!

So, now I kinda feel like I deserve a little bit for me. I'm at home all day just about every day and spend 18 out of 24hrs with Little Tyke. He comes home late at night, extremely tired and prefers to spend weekends in bed. Lately, he's even been going to the office on Saturdays, so it's even worse now. He gets frustrated and I totally get that. But I've been frustrated - for almost 2 years now! And I didn't always used to be this way.

I was once care-free and happy-go-lucky. I used to work out and do my hair and my nails. I used to party and hang out with friends. But then I got married. In the beginning, I would stay at home, missing him for hours til he came back. Just imagine my disappointment time and again when he came home too tired to even talk! So, I hung around, doing stuf around the house - trying to build a home. And again, no reciprocation. I really let it get me down.

Then a few months ago, I started living again. So, I started having friends over on weekends... laughing, chatting and having fun. But it was without him, because he was still tired, still stressed... So yes, we are on different pages.

But now that we've established that, what do we do? That's what frustrated me most about the 2am office-run incident. To this day, more than a week later, I'm still like WTF!?!? It's still so up in the air, and I feel stuck. He still hasn't explained what happened.

Don't misunderstand. Our relationship is cool. We are close, very close again. But it feels kind of disingenious. Usually when we have an issue in our relationship, we bottle it up until we just about can't take it anymore then have a good, honest, heartfelt talk about it and everything gets sorted out. We both understand the situation and move forward knowing how to act in future. That's just our process.

But this time, this time... I don't know.

I'm left wondering if it was me. Has my journey of self-discovery made me insensitive? Am I missing clues that I would ordinarily have noticed instantaneously? Or is it him? Has my journey of self-discovery made him jealous?

I'm tired of pushing him to talk. I don't feel it in me anymore. That desperation that I once had to be the one to fix things, because I always believed it was my fault - I wasn't good enough, I didn't do the right thing - is just gone.

Shouldn't he take some responsibility for his own happiness by telling me WTF is going on?

I have half a mind to just leave it alone, but divorce is not on the cards for me. That's what happens when you let things fester in a marriage. So, what's the alternative? Do I keep pushing only to keep running into a brick wall? Or do I give him time in hopes that he'll finally open up? And if it's the latter, what do I do in the meantime. I have a strong suspicion that it's the changes in me that caused that change in him. So, do I go back to being a miserable, mousy home-body or do I just keep on as I have been and hope he gets on the bus eventually?

Argh! More questions. Just great!

Clearly, answers are few and far between at this point. Maybe I'll come back with part 3... but for now, I just need a drink!

Family ties?

The family is a haven in a heartless world. ~Attributed to Christopher Lasch

Well, my whirlwind week has continued in pretty much the same vane, although it feels like momentum is waning now. It's not as though I don't have enough to do. I've got plenty, but motivation is in short supply. The fact that tomorrow's Friday doesn't help either. I love Friday, and probably look forward to it a little more (and a little earlier) than I should.

As the week draws closer to an end though, my thoughts seem to be drifting in a different direction: Family. Those ties that sort of fall upon you. Unchosen, unsolicited.

I've got quite a few cousins, but not so many as to excuse the way I've neglected them all. Here are these people that I've known basically all my life, who were around when I was a rotund child, when I was a wild teenager and still here as I settle into being a grown woman. People that are perfectly placed to create that network of support and friendship that seems to be so missing in my life. Granted, most of them are in another country but some are here and even those that aren't are not that far away (Lesotho is like a 4-hour drive from here).

We've established that I'm generally quite self-absorbed. I do spend a lot of time living inside of myself and not enough giving of myself. Who better to give to than the people who are already there. Just give a little time, give an occassional phone call.

I did that today. I sent my favourite cousin - who I had not spoken to in almost a year - a text today, and he called back. We talked for all of two minutes, but what a change it made to my day. It changed my whole attitude - got me smiling instead of stressing. And I thought "wow!".

I am beginning to put together little pieces of the answers to the many questions in my mind, everyday. I'm starting to see that not having all the answers is no excuse for not living, and part of it is reaching out to other human beings. Maybe I need to stop spending so much time trying to figure out the answers on my own and start trying to see if there isn't anything I can learn by just being in the world... really being a part of it. Talking, sharing, connecting.

I am self-involved, but maybe I don't really have to be. I can start by reaching out and engaging with some of the things that aren't actually that far outside of myself. Like my family. Maybe that will be the first step to venturing out even further, and finally - one day - to actually claiming and occupying my own place in this world.