At last...

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. ~Lewis B. Smedes, "Forgiveness - The Power to Change the Past," Christianity Today, 7 January 1983

Almost a full month since my last post... I've actually been drafting this post for the last week. Well, not this post exactly, but what was to be my next post. Today, I just started typing and looks like I'm gonna just have to throw all the past week's work away.

Why? Because it just doesn't apply any more.

Yesterday, I get a facebook message from X (long, long story - but basically a former bf. My first love and my first - and only - paradigm-shifting, earth-shattering heartbreak).

He’s growing his business empire and needs some branding and communication work done for his businesses. Just my game, so I’m like “sure, let’s meet”, what happened thereafter took place so quickly that, amidst the excitement of the idea of an extra paying job, it didn't totally register. All I knew was one moment I was minding my own business, and the next… there I was, facing the prospect of coming face to face with a man that I hadn’t seen in two years, or had a conversation with in close on five years. Not to mention the six-year-long tumultuous story that is our history.

Whoa!

I remember getting home after running errands all morning, and thinking to myself “Am I ready for this? Really ready?” The guy’s arriving in twenty minutes and I’m this close to pulling out my phone and calling him to say something had come up and I couldn’t meet with him! Had I had his phone number, I might actually have done that.

I was overcome by the urge to do something, anything to show him that I was doing okay. Clean the house up, mop the floor, buy some filter coffee so I wouldn’t offer him my usual instant stuff - anything. Luckily (and you’ll understand why in a moment), my morning schedule had left me no time for such preparations. So I just sucked it up.

Right on time - 12:59 on the dot, a knock on the door. It could only be him. I get up from my chair and to the front door. And I hesitate… for one painful moment, my heart starts palpitating as I clumsily try to find the key for the exterior security gate.

Deep breath...!

I open the door, and instinctively avoid more than a fleeting moment of solid eye-contact. I try to sound as nonchalantly pleasant as possible as I greet with a familiar, “heey!” while unlocking the security gate.

I turn around to lead him into the house, and every fibre in my being is screaming “Bad IDEA!!!”. But I catch myself with a stern “this is business!”, as I turn back around to lock up behind him. “Let’s go into the office”, I say. I lead him in, he takes a seat and pulls out the non-disclosure agreement he brought for me to sign. I smile a little on the inside… so typical of him. He’s always been paranoid and reluctant to trust. No surprise he’s still the same in business.

I make myself comfortable, secretly thanking the universe for her mysterious ways. If I hadn’t been so busy all morning, I would’ve responded to his facebook requests for my email address in time for him to send the agreement ahead of time and give me a chance to go through it before we met. As I read through the document, I breathe a huge sigh of relief and say a silent thanks for those few extra minutes to just centre myself and regain control. Luckily, that was not a difficult task.

The rest of the meeting went well. His plans and ideas all sound great, and it’s a fantastic project for our little company to get involved in. Huge potential for growth. On the business side, it really was a welcome highlight of the past month. But that will be the subject of another post.....

This little preamble creates the context for the point of today’s blog post. It’s all about how far I’ve come in my life. I can scarcely believe that, not more than 5 or 6 years ago, I could have never handled such a meeting.

At this moment, I pause… trying to find the words to describe what my relationship with this man has meant, done, been and represented in my life. In fact, the words do not exist. It was so intense, so entrenched, that it is impossible to describe. Point being, there was a time when I thought I would never get over it. There was a time when I could not see (no matter how far into the future I tried to look) a stage in my life when I would not still think of him, miss him, hate him, love him; when his memory and the memory of our time ‘together’ would not haunt my every waking moment.

That’s what it was.

That said, yesterday I proved to myself, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I am infinitely stronger than I ever thought or imagined I could be. I could not believe how unaffected I was. Apart, of course, from my initial nervousness - I felt total calm. There was nothing there. Not the intense anger or consuming sorrow, the bitter resentment or even the souldeep hurt that I thought I would carry with me for all my days. Just complete neutrality.

In between the business talk, there were moments when I would look at him - almost staring, straight into his eyes - searching for something... an inkling, a reminder of all of that heavy emotion that has always accompanied my interactions with him, whether in my mind or face-to-face. But there was nothing there! I felt like I was staring my greatest demon in the eye, facing off for the final deciding show-down. Victory was mine!

I looked at him as simply another human being. I felt no less respect for him than I would for anyone else that I have known for as long, like an old friend or family member. I can’t express what it meant to me to know that that one element of my past did not have the hold on me that I had feared it would.

How empowering to know that we can rise above the circumstances of our lives; that the human spirit triumphs - always; that as long as we are willing to accept and (more importantly) learn from the hard lessons that life throws our way, we will always be more than the sum of our experiences.

Though this may sound like utter rambling, I need to really put across – in the most concrete of terms - what a watershed this moment this was for me. In my 27 years of life. In all my existence, this moment stands out as one of the most positive realisations I have ever, ever... ever had!

Forgiveness, at last. Freedom, at long last!

To be free - truly free of the binds of one’s past; to separate one’s being from the events that have shaped it, is a quest that few of us ever truly master. And I have finally and conclusively seen that it really is possible. Really and truly possible.

Forgiveness at last.

FREEDOM AT LONG LAST.

"After everything that we’ve been through, I just want you to know that I still love you/ Want you to know that I forgive you (thank you for teaching me how to give)/ And I wanna let you know how much you changed my life/ I wanna let you know you taught me how to fly/ And I wrote this song to tell you this/ I’m better ‘cause you taught me how to give.
I took a swim in the sea of guilt and misery/ To find myself on an island in the middle of nowhere/ In my solitude I asked to know the highest truth/ And what I was told is to thine own self be true.
If Jesus can forgive crucifixion/ Surely we can survive and find a resolution.
Let’s keep it Moving/ Let’s shake free this gravity of resentment and fly high/ You’re only human/ Let’s shake free this gravity of judgement and fly high on the wings of forgiveness".
©
- India.Arie ~ Wings of Forgiveness "Testimony Vol. 1 Life & Relationships"

Back to basics

Every individual has a place to fill in the world and is important in some respect whether he chooses to be so or not. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne

I'm really getting the hang of this 'living life' thing. Of course, there are shades of my former self that remain and that is to be expected. But, all in all, I feel for the first time in a long time that I'm actually doing ok. Life is good.

Little Tyke's birthday party was awesome. It all went so well. It was small, relaxed and more than anything, he had a great time (which is all that really matters). In fact, this weekend was pretty hectic. We had another two-year-old's party the next day and dinner with family immediately afterwards... and the best part, I got to spend time with Sims - wow! I love that chick, like for real. She's my heart.

These past few weeks, as I've been progressing on this journey of mine, my eyes have been opened to what really truly matters... family, friends, connection (to myself and the world that I live in), love, faith, courage. Of course, I still haven't gotten a firm grasp on all of them - not by a long shot. But, now I see. I really, really see.

Take Sunday, for instance. Mrs O, my girl from 'Varsity threw a party for her two-yr-old little girl (incidentally, she and Little Tyke were born like 3 days apart and Mrs O got married exactly a week before me. Crazy). Anyway, we went to the party and it was so surreal... I was living!

There I was with this old, dear friend of mine (and another of my favourite girls from 'Varsity) and it was great, almost like old times. The conversations were different, of course, but the vibe was the same... that intense sisterhood; the pure enjoyment of each other's company. Just fully in the moment. It felt so great.

And I was left wondering to myself why we lost touch in the first place. I hadn't seen Mrs O in over a year, and K (my other girl) in close to 5 years! Why? Why did we grow apart instead of growing up together? Neither of us stay more than 45min away from each other and yet somehow we lost each other. Rather, I lost them. Why?

On my part, I guess it's that self-involvement, my deep propensity for retreating into myself. I sat there listening to these women, watching them surrounded by their children and friends. This strong circle of support, all congergated around the celebration of this little child's birthday and I thought, wow! Here are women who, despite marriage and motherhood, never forgot about themselves. I felt like I was a part of something. A part of a community. A part of the world. And I looked around in awe at everything that I had been missing.

Then there was dinner at my aunt's place. My favourite aunt, in fact. Her kids, my cousins, are 16 and 18 - almost fully grown and I was shocked! I live 30min down the highway from them and I had no idea what sort of young adults they had turned out to be. We had our other cousins and each of our kids there, my brother, my husband - a family, a community... something so real . Something that I was - I am - a part of!

Looking back at it all now, I wonder how it got this way. I know that, although we all had a part to play in the creating the staus quo and the disconnection that has existed up to now, I can only take responsibility for myself. Still, I can't help but question whether - as 21st century people - we are losing something important. That sense of community. What does it really mean to us? How much are we missing out on by not embracing it?

It truly is the African way, but we can't escape the westernised world that we live in. How much is too much? Is balance really attainable? There are so many influences acting on our lives at any given moment. What are the trade-offs and what drives us to the decisions that we make in trying to make this juggling act work?

Questions, questions, questions! Yes, I know! But I suppose that is just my nature. I'm a seeker. So sue me! :)

Again, I will not dwell too much on looking for the answers. One thing I know for sure now, is that they will come to me - eventually. It's not called the University of Life/Hard Knocks for nothing. I think God designed it this way for a reason. The same reason that he has bestowed free will on all of us.

I just hope that I can continue to gravitate to the positives in life. I think if there was ever a wish that I had for myself, that would be it. To simply live my life and let myself be guided by and towards only those things that will enrich it.

God willing, there are many more rewarding and enlightening steps ahead on this journey of mine.

Milestone

The moment one gives close attention to any thing, even a blade of grass it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself. ~Henry Miller

It's Little Tyke's 2nd birthday tomorrow - in a couple of hours, actually - and I'm up way past my bedtime, waiting for the cake to cool, so I can ice it and get it decorated. I made the mistake of turning it out of the pan, before it had cooled properly and it split right down the middle!Ordinarily, I'd be totally freaking out right about now, but I'm not.

I've noticed a distinct change in myself of late. I am so much calmer. Usually, I am generally pretty highly strung - easily frustrated and even more easily pissed off, but lately that's not the case. Could it be that something has finally stuck? Could I actually be living, for a change? I don't know, and honestly - for once in my life, I don't want to know. My life has really taken a turn in the past week or so. A lasting change..? That, I don't know either. All I can say is it feels oh so good!

I feel like, for the first time in a long time, I'm truly in the moment - but not in a reckless way like before. And not in a pop-psych 'savour the moment' type of way, either. Just being present... fully and truthfully.

This week has been hectic to say the least - for a start, work has been moving at warp speed. Most of all, I've really been bonding with Little Tyke. It's made me realise how starved he really was for my attention. Short of admitting that I've been a bad mother, the past little while has really made me realise that I had been doing things all wrong. Pretty much since he was born, I've had this feeling of being totally overwhelmed by the motherhood role. I had all these ideas about what I should be doing, and it all seemed so much. So, true to form, I would always assume the foetal position - just curl up and admit defeat.

But watching my little guy and spending time with him recently has made me see that all he really needed was a mother, and all I really needed to do was be one. And that didn't mean being the 'made-for-TV movie' mother, or the baby and child magazine do-it-all supermom either. I just needed to be me and learn how to understand him.

Little Tyke has blossomed, virtually overnight. I'm so proud - bursting with pride, in fact. He's such a perfect little person and I have come to realise how pivotal my role is in preventing that perfection from being tainted. I guess that realisation is not new. But it's different this time, because I really feel that I can do it. I definitely see now that I am his mother for a reason, and I'm also the only mother he's got. No-one can do it better, because noone else is going to do it. I have all the resources I need within me.

So in a few hours, when he blows out the candles on his oddly-shaped, cracked cake I may even shed a little tear for my son and for his mother, who now finally gets it.

Resolve

You cannot plough a field by turning it over in your mind. ~Author Unknown

So, almost another week goes by and I think I've been sticking pretty well to my resolve, in terms of just getting on with it.

We just came out of a four-day weekend over Easter, and the temptation was strong. Oooh boy, was it strong! I had a few minor slip-ups, but all in all I'm pretty proud of myself. I never slept in, I never binged (well, except for movie night with buttered popcorn and crisps. Eish!), and even the drinking was kept to a respectable minimum (well, except for the braai on Friday night - but we were drinking someone else's booze, so that doesn't count).

Lol! It's so wierd how I know myself so well, but in a lot of ways I don't really know myself at all. I feel so predictable, but every time I think I know what I should do next, I go and do something totally different. Yet, somehow, I'm never surprised by what I actually end up doing. I don't know, does that make sense?

It's like there's three different versions of me... There's the me I am right now, the me I really am inside, and the me I know I can be - and 'never the twain shall meet', so to speak. I really struggle to reconcile the three...

To get to the me I know I can be, I have to release the me I am inside and start healing the me I am right now.

And then sometimes, I think it's all bulls**t. Did our grandmothers, or even our mothers for that matter grapple with all this turmoil? I think not! They just got on with life and did what they had to do. At times I feel so self-indulgent and decadent, spending all this time, languishing in this pit of suburban angst. I wish I could just do what I have to do and get on with life. Just stop asking all these damn questions!

Anyway, I guess it just is what it is and I've got to just find a way to ask all the damn questions, while getting on with life and doing what I have to do.

But wait, no! I'm not asking anymore questions, remember? I think I just realised that the task I have set myself is much harder than it really appears. And maybe that's just what I need to do. Maybe the only way to get my 'three me's' to finally converge is to focus them all on one goal: just getting on with life and doing what I gotta do!

Maybe. Just maybe. (Technically, that was another question. lol. This is really gonna be hard)

This is LIFE!

A man travels the world over in search of what he needs and returns home to find it. ~George Moore

Ok, so - almost a full week later - I'm back. Having done some extensive introspection (and as predicted) I have no real conclusions as to the 'why' of what I had been doing recently.

All I know is, I've decided to just stop it. Like, quit - now.

How it happened? It was Thursday afternoon and I got up from my chair after making my last post then walked out of my home office and into the living room for a leg-stretch. I looked around and I couldn't f'ing believe it! Toys of the floor, carpet full of crumbs, dishes piled in the kitchen...

So I kick into gear and start tidying up. I had told myself that, before I start judging myself for my excesses of the past couple months, I'd really look at it objectively and start to identify the root cause then work backwards in sorting it out. Ask the right questions and find proper answers. But as I stood there, sweeping my floors, straightening the throws on the couch and stacking dishes - the internal dialogue began...

"Just look at this. Just look!", "How could you let it get to this", "This is disgusting", "You know you have no excuse", "You're life is actually incredibly blessed", "You have so much to play for and so much to lose", "You need to get off your ass and start doing right by the life you've been given", "You need to stop f'ing around and show God how grateful you are for your blessings",.

"In case you didn't know, this is life. Your life. Only you can make it right. Stop making excuses. Stop playing the victim. Stop wallowing in this pseudo-Nirvanic quest for the 'answers'", "You don't have all the answers. So what? This is life. She doesn't give a damn if you have all the answers. She's not here to pander to you! She's gonna do her, so you better be doing you".

And that's when it really happened. The me of the past two months finally responded to this internal tirade that her other side had been subjecting her to. And like a true girl, what did she do? She cried. She bawled her f'ing eyes out. Because she knew it was all true. She knew that she had no excuse, she was so incredibly blessed and she did have so much to play for. So why throw it to sh*t like she had been doing? But that was a question. "Stop looking for answers everywhere when the truth is staring you in the face. Wake up!".

"Think of the gorgeous, perfect baby you thought you would never have; the compassionate, hard-working, amazing husband you thought you'd never meet. Think of all you have. Stop looking for answers that you may never get and, for once, be in the moment. Stop f'ing around."

Just do what you have to do now, in this moment. What you don't have to be doing is having a glass of wine when there's all those emails to send. You don't have to be shopping, when there's all those dishes to wash. You don't have to be eating, when there's an entire family that you need to be nourishing with a home-made, love-filled meal.

So, that's where I'm at.

I'm going to stop asking questions for a while. Ok, maybe I'll still ask a few (lol), but the answers I'm leaving alone. Maybe they'll come to me, maybe I'll forget this epiphany and start seeking again. For now, I'm just living. I'm going to stop f'ing around and just do what I've got to do.