Getting there is in remembering why you went

Some things have to be believed to be seen.  

~Ralph Hodgson

From this episode forward, the role previously played by 'Hubby' will be played by 'The Mr'. (It was recently pointed out to me that hubby is one of the least sexy things a lady can say to describe her guy)

The Mr and I have really been working hard at this partnership thing. We're both very aware of our triggers and respective neuroses and are starting to become acquainted with each others' too.

I got to thinking... of the many, many, epiphanies I've had (of which only a *few* are included in this blog - trust me), this is the one I've most believed, affirmed, held on to and fought for. I don't know... I'm feeling a little bit of pride here, I have to say. Inside, I'm all like "I've finally found something I finally effing know for sure!" It's proof that this life has not gotten the better of me and I do have a solid core.

I never stopped trying to make it better. That doesn't mean there haven't been times when it got worse. We'd slip into our comfort zones, step back into our roles - but eventually I'd snap out of it and drag him with me. The best part is, he did the same. I was strong when he couldn't be and when I was weak, he wasn't.

That's what it's supposed to be, right? We had a long discussion this weekend about roles and how we assume them, what informs them. His upbringing was textbook, classic. Mother, Father - homemaker, provider. My story is a touch unconventional in comparison to that. I knew only of two individuals, living and doing everything separately - including parenting me - almost a duality of being.

I think I realise now that my child-like mind decided a long time ago what my adult reasoning is finally starting to believe: marriage = one whole. If it's made up of two parts, then they must be equal halves. They just have to be. That's what my own experience, that of friends, and that of my parents' friends has shown me. It's the only way it will work. I'm proud to know it's a belief I've had for that long and a belief that I still hold on to. I'm starting to think there could actually be a real person in here somewhere. *fingers crossed*

Good to know, but far from being the final destination. There's work yet to be done. I mean, this is me we're taking about and self-indulgence is a known vice of mine. It too often leads me over-step the halfway line - seeing myself as bigger than the marriage. I usually check myself on that, but my response-times are not so hot.

The system still has a few kinks in it too. We still use our trusted mutual ritual of bottling up and exploding, but the explosions are getting more frequent and less intense. They used to be blood-letting sessions, now they're just emotional conversations.

Slowly, slowly.